Thinking back, when i used to keep all the sad-ness in me and face it alone. I love my dignity so much that i can't give it up to show that i have been hurt by Mr. bastard. Friends dunno how i really felt, and sometimes they don't even care to noe how i felt because they have to face their own relationship problems too. So i never did blame them. All i could do was just hide my sadness deep down me, and fake a smile and laugh.

In skool, i seem to laugh at every damn thing, its because, i don't really laugh alot besides then. Back then, he was the guy i ever loved so much. I did many many stupid stuff for him, and indirectly embarrassed my self. God damn it. He is such an idiot, he has this weird behaviour like, when ur so into him, he treats you like shit, then you gonna get over him, he treat you like damn good. It really sucks man. I tolerated if that for like how long? 6 months? tiu.

Then luckily, Mr. Wraper came along and wrap away that mr bastard. thank god. For that period of time when he exist, i didn't really pay any attention to him, until like after 3 months. When i felt most broken, he came and put the pieces back together. After he did, i didn't appreciate it but allow it to be broken again. This time, it was hurt-er, pain-er, and more dreadful. My heart was practically shattered into pieces, just like a broken glass. But he still took the initiative to actually pick up each piece, despite the pain when the glass cuts into his hands, he still picked it all up, not even a tiny piece left. He spend days and weeks to glue it all back together, without hoping that i would really appreciate.

After it was mended, he wasn't much appreciated. In a way, i was just using him to get back at the bastard. He didn't mind, but helped me. I was so into revenge, that i rarely notice how much effort, and sincerity he put in. It happened for another 3 months.

Not really.

Better late than never rite?

I realized my mistakes, i try to fix it. I really did tried.
But something, i was in fear.
Fear of letting my heart shattered the third time.
A secreted fear.
That i couldn't share.

So wasted another 3 months fearing and holding back the good good feelings. Isn't it almost a year of punishments?
And today, i finally became conscious of what i was actually doin for the past year.

Damn, it was just a waste.
He gave in too much and i just kept on taking forgetting to give.
I feel guilty for being so unfair to him.
So this might be my correction.
It might correct my life, or lead me to more problems ahead.

I have been like this:

For the past few days. Sitting down, starring at the computer, thinking of what i have done. Was it wrong? or something i should do?

I don't like the feeling of this feeling. Im still afraid to express again. Basically, Im just afraid to get hurt again. I was lucky to have someone to put my fragile heart back together, and handed it with extra care.

But this time, i might not be lucky anymore.

So be it.
I don't have to do anything bout it, just keep it to myself.
What ever happens, happens.

But i just fear of ending up crying and thinking what if? like this :