I can say that these 3 months are probably the MOST eventful period for me this year.

I've achieved so much, and i've also lost too much.

Within this period of 3 months, i can say that i've found my dream best friend. I loved how we can just hang out ALL the time. And we can talk about anything in the world.

I loved how we are so spontaneous with things. Drop by for a movie, then just go and play some outdoor sports. My life was at its equilibrium state. Where everything was balanced. It felt great, to share almost everything i do with him.

But everything had to change. My life was at this comfortable state, where everything felt like a routine. I can say i loved it too much, but i knew, i could not live like this for long. I had to grow, i had to find something more challenging, dramatic. Which i did. I got out of that comfort zone, and found my competitive self again.

I don't know if i regret it, because it was a high price to pay. If i do achieve greater heights, i'll lose you as my bestfriend. Why can't i have both ? Why is life so difficult in this sense?

I know you're not competitive, you want a complacent life. And that you competed for me. with me. And i appreciate that ALOT. But you know what you've signed up for. We're in this deep shit together, we promised. But why it doesn't feel like that anymore ? Why does it feels that i'm fighting alone. It hurts me to hell, to know that you've given up. Given up on this, and also our friendship.

Can we just go back to where our lives were balanced ? Can we balance work and our friendship at the same time ? I know i can do that, but are you willing to give it a shot for me ? I know its hard, and that its not FUN at all. But its the price that we must pay.

So sometimes, i think to myself. What do i want ? Do i want to climb to the highest peak, and lose my treasured friendship, or keep this friendship and live a complacent life.

I don't know. I love the competition. I love the challenges. I'll love it more if you would do this with me. There's no turning back to where we were before. We're at the peak now, but we've gotta stand tall, stand strong to maintain our positions. What more do you want? I do not wanna always talk to you just bout work. I wanna talk bout everything, all those very unimportant things.

I want to just hang out, and just sit together and do nothing.

I want to cram infront of the laptop and just watch a movie with you.

I want to have what we've had last time.

You were patient with me. You thought me things. Things that i will never learn if i was on my own. You made me a better person. I like my new self, please don't let me go back to where i was from the start.

You thought me to accept flaws in others. And i've accepted your flaws, just like how you've accepted mine. But why are you pointing all of it out now ? Why are you not patient with me now ?

Why do you have to PMS all the time? When I"M the girl, and i am the one who needs to PMS. I need someone to calm me down, keep me relaxed. Not someone who needs me to do the same for them. Cuz thats not me. I can't take it anymore. You are so angry all the time. I won't even stand it if it was my mother. And i've been tolerating with your PMS attitude for a MONTH now. And i'm tired.

Is this what i have to do to keep you as my best friend ? As far as i know, best friends don't do such things to best friends. So does this mean we're not best friends anymore ?

I gave you time. I thought it was just mood swings, but it clearly isn't. Do you freakin hate me now ?

I thought you would accept my flaws, and i'm sorry you've gotta see the ugly side of me during the course of our competition. But we've won it all together. And I know it'll never be the same again, but we're in a competitive field. You've gotta accept that life is just as scary as what they potray in the movies. Where everyone is out to get you, you make ONE mistake, and there goes. Forgive me, for being so uptight about things. But i'm forced to. Someone is trying to get me all the time. Its like being in a war 24/7. Sometimes i ask, why am i in this shit ? Oh yeah, cuz i signed up for it.

10th November 2011. Today i felt like i'm at the breaking point.

I want to give up on our friendship.

Can somebody advice me on this ? My friends? Oh no, cuz they do not have to go through shit like this. Can't blame anyone, i asked for this shit. I thought i could be a superwoman, and manage this well. Unfortunately, im just like anybody else. Is this what i get for choosing my career growth over the balanced life ? I want to work this out, but you're not giving me the chance to. You've given up too fast.

I do not want to talk this out with you, i will cry. Even writing this now, i want to cry. But i keep telling myself, i gotta stay strong. At my weakest moment, is when everything will fall apart. Where the devils will take the chance and demolish me. So in everybody's eyes, i will hold on to this friendship, pretend like nothing has happened. I gotta do that, i can't let this affect my work as how it has affected me emotionally.

I thought you understood how i felt. And i thought you could see what i saw. We're clearly not on the same page right now. I'm like 10 pages infront. And it frustrate me how you can't catch up. I'm frustrated with myself. Why can't i help you keep up? Or is it that you've given up a long time ago, that i just didn't see it.

I pray every morning. To God, ask him to give me patience, and affection. I think i lack that alot. I ask him, am i not giving you enough time? But i do not have time to give anymore. Did i make the wrong choice ? For choosing you to run this thing with me. Did i make the wrong decision to choose you in the first place? Can you reassure me that i've made the right choice in choosing you.

I do not want to ask you all these questions bluntly. I will cry. and it'll probably kill every ounce of closeness we still do have now. Can you just prove it to me ? I dunno what i want anymore.

But i gotta tell you, if i run this thing alone, it would not carry as much meaning as it carries now. I fought this war, not just for myself, but for you also. Can you assure me that it is the right thing to fight for you ?

Because, when i don't feel like this is worth it anymore, it will turn ugly. I will move on, with or without you. So can you tell me, will you move on with me ? Or am i just too fast ? I want to spend the rest of my career life with you. After this, there are greater heights to achieve. Should i count you in ? Just tell me Yes, and i'll take you back in.

I do not want to fight for you, for nothing. I do not have time to wait anymore. Drastic things will happen when i make the decision. And i do not want to show you my ugly self. I have until this weekend, thats all the time i'm giving you. If i'm not reassured by then, i'll talk this out with you bluntly then. Its 50-50 by that time. Things might go back to where they were, or it'll turn ugly. You saw how ugly things could turn out. I do not want that to happen. It will hurt me every single bit to see that happen to us. But, its inevitable.

I'm sorry if i sound like a bitch. But this is how cruel life is. I want to have again what we've had. If this makes sense to you, i need you in my life. If not, it'll never be balanced again. I may sound SO SELFISH. But i am selfish. I don't know what i'm talking about now. I have no idea what've typed. This is all wtv that came to my mind when i'm typing this post.

This is, genuine. This is everything that has been running on my mind these 2 weeks. I'm quite tired. Do you know i've been holding up for you for these 2 weeks ? Can you hold up for yourself ? Can you fight for this, not for me, but for yourself. Don't give up on this, and on us. All the effort i've put in for us will go to waste.

If you ever to read this, this is genuinely what i feel. I'm not being dramatic or trying to get attention. But this is really what i feel. Can you imagine, this happened within the span of 3months.

Can we please go back to where we were ? We've achieved so much, and its a waste to lose so much.

Meeting you, and having you as my bestfriend is the best thing that has happened to me. I will not regret what we had, and i will also not regret my choices. You are like a boyfriend, a teacher, a father and a bestfriend to me. ALL in One. Damn, i kinda hope i was the same for you.

Wtv may happen in the near future. I will always love you, and appreciate what you've did for me. Thank you. May things work out for the best.